Save your fork, there’s pie.
At chain casual dining restaurants like Applebees or TGIF, fun means pictures of Elvis and Marilyn Monroe on the wall. Maybe a photograph of a mountain climber or an oar—yeah a fucking oar—on the wall for no fucking reason. Fun comes in 17 martinis that nobody actually orders. It’s overcooked burgers and overpriced fries. It’s whipped air soft serve billed as ice cream.
You can’t order a pie in this country any longer. At least not from a “fun” restaurant. No instead you have to order “Gourmet mini cookies” (which are anything but gourmet) or Oreo™ Chocolate Tower (what the fuck is that) or some kind of fudge fucking volcano.
If, for some fucked up reason, I end up at a Ruby Tuesdays or a Bennigan’s I like to order an apple pie when the waitress asks if I’d like dessert.
I know they don’t have it, but I like the look on the person’s face.
My reaction is to act baffled. “You don’t have apple pie? But this isn’t a Mexican restaurant!”
Sometimes they suggest something more fun. More chocolaty. Some kind of dessert served in a fucking shot glass or something. I order a different pie. Maybe banana cream or pumpkin if the season is right.
Blank stares.
Then, I order ice cream. Plain vanilla ice cream.
And I get soft serve, if they give me anything.
When I grow up, I’m going to vote for the candidates that promise to cut Medicare for baby boomers.
The baby boomers ruined this country.
I’ve heard this rant before but the boomers part at the end really makes it.
Amen brother.
